This Cat Won’t Leave Me Alone

Okay, he’s gone now.

Good Morning, Campers, and Welcome to Camp Mackenack!

The first item on the agenda is cleanliness, which they say is next to dogliness. Well, you won’t get to heaven any faster if you keep insisting on bathing with the girls from Camp Macketooie across the lake. That goes double for you girls. I’m looking at you, Jaye and Deirdra. We can’t have another incident like Mildred. She’s doing a cabaret show in Toronto now, and her parents are still trying to sue me personally.

Now, the next item on the agenda is the mess tent. It’s just a name, gang. It doesn’t actually need to be a mess to be called a mess tent. So I’m gonna ask you you guys and dolls to knock it off with the food fights. Your parents are paying for all of this great food like Idahoan potatoes and Salisbury Steak. Do you know how hard it is to wash that sauce out of canvas? And the dry cleaning bills! If this keeps up, the registration fee will be going up next year.

I’d like to take a moment to discuss the latrines. I’d like to, but the thing is, just thinking of them makes my stomach churn. Please… just try to keep them neat. The hockey pucks in the urinals are NOT toys, and that little knob on the tank is for flushing. Get your mother to show you how if you’re confused.

The next item on the agenda is loud music. Now, I know we said you could bring iPods to listen to privately, but some of you have also brought speaker systems, and have been competing with one another to see whose music is loudest. The birds, you may have noticed, have fled the forest, and the fish have bottlenecked down river. I’m going to be enforcing a strict power-outage at six o’clock for the whole camp, so you’ll have to go back to using your headphones like everyone else.

Finally, and I’m surprised that this is a problem, as I was quite specific about this on the brochure, but the sleeping arrangements are NOT Co-ed. That, in case you’re confused, means no more sneaking across the camp at night to crawl into some young girl’s sleeping bag. There has been a bit of an outbreak of early morning sickness, and I think we know the cause. Any more campers caught in the wrong sleeping bag will be sent home… and your contact information WILL be provided to the expectant grandparents.

Right. There will be punch and pie for dessert after dinner, and then we are having movie night. This year’s film is the perennial favourite, Abbott and Costello meet Dracula. This year, I would like to finally see that film from start to finish, so no more of your shenanigans. As well, I would like to announce that there will be a sock hop at the end of the week. Music has already been arranged, and no, there will be no file sharing with the DJ so you can hear Slim Shady or Cee Lo, or the dirty lyrics to the Enrique Iglesias song. Unlike Camp Macketooie, we are not a church camp, but we do pride ourselves on some standards of conduct.

Right, that’s all I have to say today. You may return to your delicious dinners… alright, who threw that salisbury steak at my head?

Camp Director Eddie.

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